Okay, I just got this nonsense email from my son’s school about how they’re looking to resume in-person classes 5 days a week later this month, and we’re all supposed to cheer about that. Why would I cheer for like 30 hours of school spread over five days? That’s no workweek for anyone over the age of, what, two? You want to get me excited? Seven days a week. 7AM-7PM. Let them work a lawyer’s hours! After all, school is fun! You get recess (well, maybe not anymore). You get to play music (well, maybe not anymore). You get to do arts and crafts (well, maybe not anymore). You get to eat lunch with your friends (well, maybe not anymore). You get to go to the bathroom whenever you want (well, maybe not anymore). Some teachers even smile sometimes (well, masks, so, who knows anymore). Okay, so writing it all out makes it seem a little… less… awesome. Remind me why we’re supposed to be excited about sending kids back?

Can I break character for a minute? There aren’t that many of you reading this anyway (but if you’re enjoying these posts, please tell your friends!) so I may as well. I have no idea how to feel about schools trying to reopen. I hate that it’s a mystery box — what are the risks, what is the experience going to actually be like, is it all going to fall apart anyway — and I really hate that I can come up with what I think are sane arguments for every option. It feels so idiosyncratic — everyone’s risk is different, everyone’s risk tolerance is different, every kid learns differently, every parent has a different capacity to have their kids at home.

I don’t know if my instincts here — and I have a lot of instincts, even if I can make sane cases for all of the options — are colored by the fact that both of my kids spent weeks in the NICU at birth, and then my 6-year-old was back in the hospital with an infection after he’d been home for less than a month and we really didn’t know what was going to happen. I feel like that affects the lens through which I see almost everything as a parent, even if maybe by now it shouldn’t, and I can’t help but see worst case scenarios where other people see averages and likelihoods.

I’m trying to walk myself through the thought exercise of looking back at all of this years down the road, and seeing if that changes my perspective, or if it helps to reinforce it. I think about the odds I was comfortable trusting before — the school bus that could have crashed, the exposure to every other virus besides this one, the horrifying chance of a school shooting, small as that might be — and try to wrap my head around simply trusting the odds again. But before this spring, for better or worse, the option set in my head now feels like it was too limited. We sent our son to school because people go to school, and generally don’t think too hard about it. Was the school experience perfect for him, in all kinds of idiosyncratic ways? Of course not, just like I’m sure it’s not perfect for most kids, in all kinds of similar and different ways. Did I feel much agency to make it better? Not really. A little.

But now, there are options to compare. And that makes it more difficult, at least for me. I want to talk myself into being comfortable with the risks, whatever they are (mystery box) because that would be easy. Sending him to imperfect in-person school would be easier, logistically. Maybe. Not if it all falls apart as I fear it will. But virtual school wasn’t a complete disaster over here, for better or worse, in a bunch of different ways (happy to engage endlessly on this subject, just send me an email!). Not perfect, but he was reasonably happy. Hard for me to wrap my head around going from reasonably happy to a mystery box, from imperfect certainty to certain uncertainty.

But I don’t have any confidence that I have it right for my own situation, let alone anyone else’s. Every choice on the spectrum feels justifiable, depending on circumstances. Which is why it’s impossible to feel good about any of it.

Anonymous Lawyer doesn’t care though — he’s hiring his own teachers, finding some associates to do enrichment classes, and growing some classmates for his kid in a lab somewhere. A little lower on ambition, a little higher on sociability, let’s turn those dials. One day, this will all seem irrelevant, I hope.

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